Cannibalism is alive and well.

At least, according to our friends at Chitale Bandhu Mithaiwale.




Here's the relevant detail :



I can't help imagining opening up a pack, and seeing a whole bunch of far-side-esque little people come tumbling out. Short eats. Hyok.

The greatest films of all time - Narasimma

Narasimma is the greatest film ever made. No, really.

It's got everything. Things that explode ( bombs, cars, oil tankers, buildings), things that don't explode (Furniture, Pigeons, Nasser) and things that look like they might explode any minute (Gabtun's jowls, Rahul Dev's biceps, Anandraj).

Set in an alternate reality where terrorists jump off ledges on being shot at, a hottie like Isha Koppikar can achieve orgasm by merely stealing a glance at Gap-tian, and Raghuvaran isn't the main bad guy, Narasimma is a film that everyone must watch. At least thrice.

The film kicks off in grand style, when Gapton suddenly appears to assist the cops in apprehending some terrorists, along with his 'Dog Squad' – a random assortment of Alsatians equipped with wireless headsets, in order to help them obey Gabtian's hi-specialty orders meant specifically for commando canines- such as 'Go', 'Come' and 'Sit'. Vijaykanth (I'm just calling him that to improve google results) then stuns everyone by gunning down the cops, blowing up some colonial-looking buildings, and being captured because, even when being chased by cops, he brakes for schoolkids.

This is followed by some sequences (made famous on YouTube) in which the cops torture Gabtun, and the audience simultaneously, by, in no particular order, stripping him, and exposing him to electricity, fire and some really big ice cubes. If you ever yearned to see a semi-naked Vijaykanth chirpily perched on a large block of ice, Narasimma delivers in spades.

During the course of the next two hours or so, Gaptian performs feats such as cunningly changing his contact lenses from blue to green to throw off pursuing investigators, reviving a drowning Isha Koppikar by rubbing her inner thighs, disco dancing, kicking ass, and demonstrating that he cannot be betrayed by carrier pigeons named 'Vallarasu'. All of this, even the last bit, is absolutely true – ask anyone who has seen Narasimma if you don't believe me.

Radharavi reacts on seeing the bomb that Gabtun has planted in his heart, conveniently indicated by a blinking light on the X-Ray! This movie is awesome!

He also proceeds to kill some evil guys in three different states, kidnap some other evil guys, bash up their evil underlings, expose some evil plots, and outsmart some evil plans using gadgets that look like Chinese toys made in Bangladesh. All this while managing to seduce Isha Koppikar with his Gabtun-ness and Gaptianity. He even saves her life on her deathbed, by marrying her – thaali, kumkumam and all. The complete man.

Somewhere along the way, Nasser and Anandraj attempt to shoot Gaeptun, believing him to be a terrorist. Of course, he dodges the bullets in Neo-fashion, and then allows Raghuvaran to look eerily into the camera and reveal the truth – Gabtun is in fact not a terrorist at all, but a government secret agent who is gifted with a mix of the various talents of Batman, The Atom Bomb, The Flash, The Silver Surfer and God.

After a truly stunning detective scene involving elements such as Adobe Photoshop, some glaciers, a leering Rahul Dev, the 'Enter' key, and Anandraj managing to mispronounce the word 'clue' twice in eight seconds, Gaptian launches the final onslaught with the stirring war cry - “Let us Start The Missen', and leads his troops to storm the ancient fort that Rahul Dev (Akthar Rasool, the terrorist) is using as a hideout.

Anandraj pulls off a Resident Evil-style headshot! Pwned!

The greatest action sequence that cinema has witnessed follows, with inerruptions only so that Gaptian can reform a terrorist, and yell “Staaaaaaaaart the Countdownnnnnnnn!”, before continuing to use twin revolvers to take down hundreds of Jihadis. Eat this, Johnny Rambo. Plus, this is probably the only recorded instance of Nasser wielding a rocket launcher, so afficionados take note.

Then, a one-on-one ass-kicking session with Rahul Dev, and a short and tender scene where Gabton snatches a revolver away from a six year old boy and throws it into a nearby fountain, Narasimma draws to a close. Trust me people, this is a film that everyone must watch – easily one of the greatest cinematic experiences in history.

Verdict – Narasimma is teh_pWnZorrrrrrzzzzz. Gaptian is teh_r0xx0rrzzz.

The Best WTF Film Scripts of All Time

You want teh_pWnage? You've got it.

The below are scans of an actual pitch that was circulated to buyers at a recent film market in India - where leading international film companies came to identify and buy Indian films to produce, market and distribute.

I won't demean the awesomeness of the pitches by dwelling on specific points or highlights. That would be disrespectful - like looking at the Taj Mahal and then dwelling on the merits of a specific dome or column.

I just so badly wish that one of these gets made into a film. That would be the most kvlt thing ever.

Click the images for a larger image - trust me, you don't want to miss a single detail.

[Note - I have deleted the name of the writer, which explains the odd white / black rectangles]

Tendulkar, Rahman and Kunjumon are teh_pWnorz

In my opinion, these guys are the freedom fighters of modern India - they've liberated more Indians than anyone since Mahatma Gandhi and his band of brothers.

Sachin made us proud to be Indian. He enabled us to strut with chins up. Look Aussies and Englishmen in the eye. What a player. His lustre is much diminished now, yes, but let us never forget what he did, and how he made a difference in our lives. Thanks to him, we now have the incredible Dhoni, the dashing Yuvraj and the sensational Sehwag.

Kunjumon and A.R.Rahman, with Gentleman, suddenly made it hip to sway to teh_local flava. In my memory, 'ChikkuBukku Raile' was the first Indian movie song that hipsters weren't afraid to play in their cars and at their parties. It started a revolution - today, only n00bs and sn0bs insist that 'western' stuff is better somehow than out film grooves. Kunjumon faded away, thankfully, but ARR (no, not the Paaku), continues to make us proud. No longer are Indian language movies and music uncool - it's rather dramatically the other way around. The 'Peters' are the new nerdwads, the infra-digs, the losers.

Their contribution is way more important than is immediately obvious.

Thanks to the floodgates they opened, the average Indian on the street is confident, walks with a swagger. It's an amazing transformation - plainly visible to anyone who grew up earlier than the late eighties.

How crucial is this, in the view of India's place in the emerging new world order?

Give the gentlemen their medals. They do a lot more for India's freedom in today's world than many of our supposed leaders (Dr.Singh an honourable exception, of course)

Raj Comics is teh_pWnage!

Lots of Raj Comics action of late, their web site is amazing : www.rajcomics.com

Do not miss the following, which count among the greatest comics creations ever. Take that, Alan Moore!

• Anthony (Best superhero name ever. Until someone comes up with one named Bhaskar)
• Bhanja (Best super-villain of all time. If the late Mr.Ledger had seen this guy, he'd have passed on the Joker role in order to play Bhanja)
  
• Fighter Toads (Masterr, Computerr, Shooterr and Cutterr! Sheer genius!)

This is Bhanja. Heath Ledger would never have bothered with playing the Joker if he had the chance to play this guy. But maybe Kevin Spacey would have pipped him to the role.

However, don't do yourself the disservice of limiting yourself to these suggestions alone. As you browse the site, you're certain to find other rich treasures and gems to treasure.

Also worth a visit is the Nagraj page on Wikipedia. Some extracts :

Gorakhnath operated & removed the capsule from Nagraj's head setting Nagraj free who became his disciple & vowed to eliminate crime & terror from the Earth. Since then Nagraj has thrice toured the World & defeated many villains & terrorists.

Toured??!!?? I can't help thinking of Nagraj, camera in hand, pointing excitedly at the Eiffel Tower or The Sphinx, while kicking the crap out of baddies in between coach rides. Brilliant! I also love the gratuitous use of the &.



The thin line between horror and comedy. Nobody does it better. The original caption, by the way, says "Nagpasha as Kroorpasha in Nagayana".


Another one :

It is notable, and perhaps ironic, that Nagraj has now been transformed into a mythical-magical creature facing fantastical creatures as his enemies, with elements of sorcery/magic and even time and space travel. Many cite this as a reason for the continuous , meteoritic rise in popularity of Nagraj Comics. However, purists still claim that they prefer the more realistic, more practical stories that Nagraj began with.

Realistic? Nagraj? Deliciously delusional.

On being negative

Someone said this to me : " Life is too short to be negative".

But, by assuming that life is too short, isn't she being negative? And hence violating her own advice?

I helpfully pointed it out, but my efforts weren't well received.Luckily, she's too far away to slap me in disgust.

Long distance is teh_pWnage.

If Hitler had been killed off early . . .

I've actually read two separate books in which the authors have opined that the world would probably have been a lot worse if Der Fuhrer has been nipped in the bud. Strange indeed.

The first one is 'Making History' by Stephen Fry, in which the author steps back in time, and prevents Hitler from being born. This has the unfortunate side-effect of causing an even more dangerous and evil man to become the leader of the Nazi party - and much hilarity ensues.

The second is a very different book - the superbly retro-classic OMAC (One Man Army Corps) miniseries by John Byrne, in which the most badass superhero ever (trust me, I've read everything) has the same bright idea as Mr.Fry, and promptly wades into ole Adolf's heavily guarded residence, takes out a Rambo-esque number of vehicles, installations and infantry units before cheerily frying Hitler to a crisp. Many years later, OMAC regrets his actions, as the world that ensues after this becomes one of those sterile, fun-less utopias seen in disturbing movies starring Jude Law.

So maybe the old rascal served some purpose? A scary thought.