Friday, October 16, 2009

The Kalmadi - Hooper Papers


By Anand Ramachandran. Some of you will recognize the inspiration for the title, some of you won't. That's fine, right?


The Suresh Kalmadi - Mike Hooper spat has degenerated into 'beyond ridiculous'. Kalmadi has always been a great source of entertainment over the years (anyone remember the Afro-Asian games, and the speech he gave there?), but this time, he's got some competition from one of his colleagues, A.K.Kesri. Here's a scan of a letter Mr.Kesri wrote to the chairman of the OCCWG, from today's INdian Express. (Thanks to @abithaanandh for the keen spot. She has an eye for this kind of thing, she's the one who discovered Hungama for us.) Do click on the image for a full-size version. Trust me, it's worth it.




Among my favourite parts are "fortunately I escaped from damage to my spectacles" and "always whistling during his movements in the office building", but you will surely find many others to your tastes. Stunning stuff.

Actually, the whole affair seems to be an adult version of a 'Miss! He's taking my pencil box, miss!' type of incident so commonly experienced during the primary school years. To be fair to Hooper, however, I must admit that it is Senor Kalmadi, Herr Bhanot and others who are leading the childishness sweepstakes at the moment.

The reasons given by Mr.Kalmadi calling for Hooper's ouster have been, in a nutshell, that Hooper has been of no use, he has been rude to OC personnel, demoralizing them with negative feedback and that he has been an impediment to work on the games.

This can be roughly reworded as follows :

"Miss! He's useless boy miss!"

"Miss! He's talking bad of me and using bad words, miss."

"Miss! he's not letting me do my work, miss."


But since the gentlemen, and I use the term very loosely, who are involved in this unsightly brouhaha are only corresponding through letters and press-releases, I think it would perhaps be more appropriate to look at the issue from that POV.

My dear Mr.Hooper,,

You are useless. You are spoiling my birthday party. So please leave our school. Go back to your old school.

Sincerely,

Suresh Kalmadi.



Mr.Kalmadi,

I'm not useless. You're only useless. You always make things very late. Your party will be late and boring.

Yours,

Mike Hooper




Hooper,

Shut up. You always tell bad things to my friends and use bad language. You're a bad boy. I tell to principal.

Suresh




Su-su boy,

You shut up. Principal is my uncle, so you can't do anything. I'll tell him you're stupid and you're always late for everything everytime.

Fuck off.

Mike




Hooper,

Hooper, mein su-su karoonga thumhare sar ke ooper.

Kalmadi.


And so on. I think all of them should be sent to detention, and the party cancelled.

12 comments:

Vishal said...

I swear I thought it was Carl Hooper at first. I haven't really been following this "spat" but now I get the gist. Losers..

PS : ZANJERO

Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twin said...

Zanjero!!!! 116 - 0!

Mr. K Bodhi said...

Loved the sequence at the end. Esp. the su-su bit:D

Idling in Top Gear said...

Lots of people whistle during their movements. You hear it all the time in toilet booths. :D

Anonymous said...

Ala ... The Cooper-Nowitski theorem of Big Bang Theory fame ! :D

narendra shenoy said...

That letter is a gem! Oh lord, I haven't laughed so hard for a while! The Miss-he's-a-bad-boy-miss theory is most insightful.

OC Staff said...

Amazing story - haven't had so much of laugh since a long time.

Time for more CWG Jokes ...

Vendetta said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sachita said...

all you had to do was display the letter. no other words reqd:)

these ppl. def. make your job easier.

Chethana said...

Oh, the correspondence reproduction is a fine master-piece. (wiping tears off)

Zeb said...

hahahaha... translations!!! too funny!! su-su hooper ke sar ke ooper rombo rombo sooper!

madhu srinivas said...

HAHAHAHA!!!!! simply hilarious, was laughing my guts out for 10 mins....... and the letter correspondence was a masterpiece..