Monday, April 19, 2010

Diary of an IPL Fan - Episode 4

This is part of an ongoing series I'm doing for . Re-posted here for those who missed it when it originally appeared.

Day Twenty-five

For a few days, I am not going to write anything in this diary. Maybe that will change the luck for my favourite teams, especially Preity.



Day Thirty-two

Some people are saying that KKR and Rajasthan Royals still have a mathematical chance of qualifying. I didn't know they had that kind of thing in IPL. I thought you have to play matches and win. Not a bad idea. Having a maths entrance exam will help people who are weak at cricket, such as KKR, to still do well in IPL. Maybe the IIT-JEE should introduce a cricket match section also, so that those who have done badly in the IPL still have a 'cricketing' chance of getting in.

Day Thirty-five
Why is Lalit Modi Sir saying all those bad things about Mr.Tharoor-ji ?????? Maybe he is upset that Mr.Tharoor-ji has ensured that Sreesanth will still be around in IPL 4.

And why is everyone upset with Lalit Modi Sir about saying stupid things on Twitter? Shahid Kapoor does it all the time, and I don't see anyone calling for an investigation into Shahid's activities. People are biased against Lalit Modi Sir.


Day Thirty-seven

No! No! No! All my favourite teams are now out of the tournament. How could Shah Rukh, Preity and Shilpa have allowed this to happen?

I'm sorry, but even though I am a fan, I have to blame the Bollywood stars for their teams doing so badly. They spend all their time either shooting commercials and films or attending parties, and don't spend any time concentrating on cricket. If Shah Rukh had spent half the time on actual cricket related issues than he did shooting those stupid car ads, KKR would have qualified for the semi-finals for sure.

I agree that people have the same complaints about the players also - that they spend more time shooting and partying than concentrating on cricket. But they have an excuse - they have to keep up their commitments to their team owners and sponsors. Bollywood stars have no such excuses, na? It's just irresponsibility, that's all. When they are shooting films, do they take breaks to play cricket? So they really shouldn't be taking breaks to shoot films when they own IPL teams. Do you see N.Srinivasan or Venkatram Reddy appearing in ads? No. And look at how their teams are doing.


Day Thirty-eight

I am very upset that Mr.Tharoor-ji and Lalit Modi Sir are being dragged into all these needless controversies. Both are great men, and the public and media should not make up these false stories about them.

There is one South Indian writer (can't remember his name) on that leading cricket website who always writes false news about Lalit Modi Sir and everyone else. I think it must be all his doing - he must have written one of his usual made-up false lying news reports, and caused all this controversy. I am going to inform the CBI through SMS. They will nab him and prevent him from spreading lies about the IPL. Serves him right.

Also, this is all Twitter's fault. I think the government should ban twitter. I won't miss it. I can always keep in touch with Shahid and Kareena through Google Buzz. And Google Wave. But nobody has sent me a Wave invite yet.

Diary of an IPL Fan - Episode 3

Note : This is part of a series that I'm currently doing for . Republished here for those of you who missed it when it first appeared.

Day Nineteen

I don't know why everybody criticises the commentators so much. They are all either former cricketers, or hardworking upcoming actors, and we must repect them for their achievements. Except for Arun Lal. I can't remember exactly what he does, but I remember that his father was also a sports commentator. One funny thing about his father - sometimes he used to be called Anupam Ghulati, and sometimes he was called Kishore Bhimani! Hahaha I always wondered why the same commentator would use different names, but then realized that it was probably so that fans don't get confused - so he used one name for cricket and another for other sports. That and probably some tax reasons, I guess.

But anyway, why always poke fun at commentators and everything they say? I agree that they say very basic and stupid things sometimes, but we must remember that their comments are very useful and educational for people who don't know anything about cricket - such as Shilpa Shetty. And John Buchanan.


Day Twenty

They have selected the Indian team for the T20 world cup - and I must admit that I am disappointed. Why have they only selected Indian players? I can understand if it was for fifty overs format, but in T20 you are allowed four foreigners in the team, no? Why doesn't Lalit Modi Sir explain this to K.Srikkanth ? At least he could have explained it to Narendra Hirwani before throwing him out of that exclusive IPL lounge no?

This is not fair. Now all the other teams will be packed with foreigners, and our Indian team will have none. Surely we are going to lose. And this Srikkanth is always selecting players from his own state - like Dhoni and Raina. Clearly he is biased.


Day Twenty Two

This middle part of the IPL is really very boring. All the matches are beginning to look like each other - no excitement. This is why I am so happy that Mr.Vivek Oberoi has decided to release his new film, Prince, at this time. It shows how much Mr.Vivek cares about the people of India - so he is releasing his film despite the fact that the IPL is going on. Other selfish and greedy producers are holding back their releases until after the IPL is over. This clearly shows that they are only interested in money. Mr.Vivek Oberoi is different - he is not bothered if his film flops (which it surely will, since everyone is watching IPL) as long as the fans are happy. What a man!


Day Twenty Three

My friend laughed at me today for saying that the Vodafone Zoozoo ads have superb animation. He says that these ads are not animated. Hahahahahahahaha. He is a donkey. He probably thinks that Shaktimaan is a fictional character. He doesn't know that I once met Shaktimaan many years ago, when I was in school. Many people have told me that that was just an actor wearing a Shaktimaan costume, but they are wrong. Why would anyone wear such a stupid costume if they weren't actually Shaktimaan?


Day Twenty Four

Damn. I called that stupid telephone line so that I could speak to a cheerleader, and they connected me to R.P.Singh! What a waste! Why would I want to speak to R.P.Singh? So anyway, I asked him if he could introduce me to any cheerleaders. He immediately hung up. I think he doesn't know any. I think tomorrow's 'Star Connect' is with Shane Warne. Surely he will be able to introduce me to some girls. I will try again tomorrow.

Diary of an IPL Fan - Episode 2

Note : This is part of a series that I'm currently doing for . Republished here for those of you who missed it when it first appeared.

Day fourteen

What is Preity's team doing? Selfish, greedy buggers. Don't they want to win to make her happy? Such a sweet girl - she is so nice to them. She even pays them salaries and cheers for them during the matches. No other team owner will do this. And how do they repay her kindness? By losing again and again.

I think Yuvraj is annoyed at losing the captaincy to Kumar Sangakkara, so he is trying to win it back by turning into Arjuna Ranatunga, so that the Sri Lankans will listen to him. Idiot - always worrying about runs, wickets and captaincy. He should realize that Preity's happiness is all that matters.


Day fifteen

Damn. My fantasy league team is doing really badly. I can understand Lalit Modi sir's decision to keep Pakistan players out of the IPL, but at least he could have given permission for them to play in fantasy cricket, no? If I had Shahid Afridi, Umar Akmal and Umar Gul in my fantasy team, surely I would have done well. They are quality players in any format. Why keep them out of fantasy leagues and insult them? I hope that Mohammed Yousuf doesn't retire from fantasy cricket in a huff. The game needs him.

Oh - and speaking of Pakistani cricketers, what's all this about Shoaib Malik marrying Sania Mirza? She should realize we're a conservative country. She shouldn't have married into another sport. But I hope she's happy, and serves her husband better than she serves, period.


Day Sixteen

I am so proud. We finally have a real blimp in India.

I have no idea what it is, but since L.Sivaramakrishnan said that it's some great modern technological marvel, it must be so. Why would he lie? In fact, these Tamils know a lot about technology. They have lots of time to study all these technological things, since they don't have Bollywood to distract them, I guess.

Lalit Modi sir is truly a genius for getting such technologies into cricket. Superbowl is the biggest sporting event other than the IPL - and they also have a blimp made by a tyre company. The IPL is a trendsetter for sure. Soon the Superbowl organisers will also copy the IPL and get cheerleaders, more advertisements and even strategy breaks. Then their tournament will also become as famous as IPL.


Day Seventeen

Harbhajan is a great player, but he should learn to calm down. Why did he shout at T.Suman that day? He only shouts at players who are smaller than him. They should send Sunjay Dutt sir into the ground to deal with players who are indisciplined. Just seeing that costume will be enough to silence anybody. 


Day eighteen

The Hon. Sports Minister has unnecessarily criticized Modi Sir, because he is using cricket for entertainment it seems. Isn't cricket supposed to be for entertainment? Why else are we watching cricket? For education or what? I think they should remove boring old Mr.Gill and make Lalit Modi Sir the sports minister. He will be able to make anything interesting. Even Tennikoit.

Also, KKR isn't doing as well as I thought. But they obviously haven't taken my advice. I told them to buy Sachin - but I see that Sachin is still with Mumbai Indians. And see how well they're doing? I am beginning to doubt my hero Shah Rukh. I don't think they are really following the advice of fans like me - I think it is just some advertising trick.But I know how to reach Shah Rukh - the one place where famous people like him can be reached directly. So see you guys later - need to go and set up a twitter account.


Diary of an IPL Fan - Episode 1

Note : This is part of a series that I'm currently doing for . Republished here for those of you who missed it when it first appeared.

Day Zero
I am so excited that the IPL has begun. A true battle between some of our best and sexiest film stars! May the best person win - Shah Rukh, Preity, Shilpa, Katrina, all the best. Except to that boring Chennai team. K.Srikkanth it seems - who wants HIM as a brand ambassador? And that weirdo who drums on a river.


Day Four

Good that Shah Rukh has finally come to his senses and is accepting advice from those who truly understand and love his team - random people from all over India. Better than trusting Australians like Buchanan. In previous years also I had suggested many strategies by leaving over 200 comments on his team's web site, but I'm sure those idiots who maintained the web site never forwarded them to him. Morons - do they think he can personally visit the site and read all the comments? Lazy.

This time I have sent all my advice in a large book, couriered to his office. I'm sure that newspaper guy, that TV serial aunty and that chicken-catching dude must have done the same. If their advice can help KKR win their first two matches, surely mine will help them even more? Watch out - KKR will surely win this year.


Day Seven

Damn. My 'fake IPL player' blog is not taking off. What's the matter with people - what I write is so much funnier than that guy from last year. Maybe I shouldn't have pretended to be 'fake Anirudh Singh'. I've even copied some of the Fake IPL Player's original posts. Why can't people who watch the same movie multiple times enjoy reading the same blog post multiple times? Snobs. Losers.

Anyway, there's still hope. One gentleman has left a comment on the blog, promoting something called 'Male Organ Enhancement'. Why would he choose my blog to promote something, unless he knew lots of people are visiting it ?


Day Ten

I'm so happy that Preity's team finally won! Her smile is SO much nicer than N.Srinivasan's.


Day Twelve

Lalit Modi sir is a genius and a true visionary. He has managed to get two more teams into the IPL - from Pune and some place in Kerala. He will make everybody rich I think - except for those people who buy these teams for huge amounts of money, even more than English football teams. But this is not a problem for them - they are rich people anyway.

Lots of people are making jokes that Dubai is a part of Kerala, but these jokes are silly and repetitive, and they don't fool me. I know that it is a part of Arab. Kerala is a part of Sri Lanka.


Day Thirteen

Am so excited that I'm going to watch an IPL match next week. I haven't bought tickets, but I have entered many contests, and will surely win at least one free ticket. This is the law of averages. Even Kings XI Punjab managed to win a match, no? The law never fails.

See you guys in a little while.