Monday, December 1, 2008

The Best WTF Film Scripts of All Time

You want teh_pWnage? You've got it.

The below are scans of an actual pitch that was circulated to buyers at a recent film market in India - where leading international film companies came to identify and buy Indian films to produce, market and distribute.

I won't demean the awesomeness of the pitches by dwelling on specific points or highlights. That would be disrespectful - like looking at the Taj Mahal and then dwelling on the merits of a specific dome or column.

I just so badly wish that one of these gets made into a film. That would be the most kvlt thing ever.

Click the images for a larger image - trust me, you don't want to miss a single detail.

[Note - I have deleted the name of the writer, which explains the odd white / black rectangles]

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Tendulkar, Rahman and Kunjumon are teh_pWnorz

In my opinion, these guys are the freedom fighters of modern India - they've liberated more Indians than anyone since Mahatma Gandhi and his band of brothers.

Sachin made us proud to be Indian. He enabled us to strut with chins up. Look Aussies and Englishmen in the eye. What a player. His lustre is much diminished now, yes, but let us never forget what he did, and how he made a difference in our lives. Thanks to him, we now have the incredible Dhoni, the dashing Yuvraj and the sensational Sehwag.

Kunjumon and A.R.Rahman, with Gentleman, suddenly made it hip to sway to teh_local flava. In my memory, 'ChikkuBukku Raile' was the first Indian movie song that hipsters weren't afraid to play in their cars and at their parties. It started a revolution - today, only n00bs and sn0bs insist that 'western' stuff is better somehow than out film grooves. Kunjumon faded away, thankfully, but ARR (no, not the Paaku), continues to make us proud. No longer are Indian language movies and music uncool - it's rather dramatically the other way around. The 'Peters' are the new nerdwads, the infra-digs, the losers.

Their contribution is way more important than is immediately obvious.

Thanks to the floodgates they opened, the average Indian on the street is confident, walks with a swagger. It's an amazing transformation - plainly visible to anyone who grew up earlier than the late eighties.

How crucial is this, in the view of India's place in the emerging new world order?

Give the gentlemen their medals. They do a lot more for India's freedom in today's world than many of our supposed leaders (Dr.Singh an honourable exception, of course)

Raj Comics is teh_pWnage!

Lots of Raj Comics action of late, their web site is amazing :

Do not miss the following, which count among the greatest comics creations ever. Take that, Alan Moore!

  • Anthony (Best superhero name ever. Until someone comes up with one named Bhaskar)
  • Bhanja (Best super-villain of all time. If the late Mr.Ledger had seen this guy, he'd have passed on the Joker role in order to play Bhanja)
  • Fighter Toads (Masterr, Computerr, Shooterr and Cutterr! Sheer genius!)

This is Bhanja. Heath Ledger would never have bothered with playing the Joker if he had the chance to play this guy. But maybe Kevin Spacey would have pipped him to the role.

However, don't do yourself the disservice of limiting yourself to these suggestions alone. As you browse the site, you're certain to find other rich treasures and gems to treasure.

Also worth a visit is the Nagraj page on Wikipedia. Some extracts :

Gorakhnath operated & removed the capsule from Nagraj's head setting Nagraj free who became his disciple & vowed to eliminate crime & terror from the Earth. Since then Nagraj has thrice toured the World & defeated many villains & terrorists.

Toured??!!?? I can't help thinking of Nagraj, camera in hand, pointing excitedly at the Eiffel Tower or The Sphinx, while kicking the crap out of baddies in between coach rides. Brilliant! I also love the gratuitous use of the &.

The thin line between horror and comedy. Nobody does it better. The original caption, by the way, says "Nagpasha as Kroorpasha in Nagayana".

Another one :

It is notable, and perhaps ironic, that Nagraj has now been transformed into a mythical-magical creature facing fantastical creatures as his enemies, with elements of sorcery/magic and even time and space travel. Many cite this as a reason for the continuous , meteoritic rise in popularity of Nagraj Comics. However, purists still claim that they prefer the more realistic, more practical stories that Nagraj began with.

Realistic? Nagraj? Deliciously delusional.

Monday, July 7, 2008

On being negative

Someone said this to me : " Life is too short to be negative".

But, by assuming that life is too short, isn't she being negative? And hence violating her own advice?

I helpfully pointed it out, but my efforts weren't well received.Luckily, she's too far away to slap me in disgust.

Long distance is teh_pWnage.

If Hitler had been killed off early . . .

I've actually read two separate books in which the authors have opined that the world would probably have been a lot worse if Der Fuhrer has been nipped in the bud. Strange indeed.

The first one is 'Making History' by Stephen Fry, in which the author steps back in time, and prevents Hitler from being born. This has the unfortunate side-effect of causing an even more dangerous and evil man to become the leader of the Nazi party - and much hilarity ensues.

The second is a very different book - the superbly retro-classic OMAC (One Man Army Corps) miniseries by John Byrne, in which the most badass superhero ever (trust me, I've read everything) has the same bright idea as Mr.Fry, and promptly wades into ole Adolf's heavily guarded residence, takes out a Rambo-esque number of vehicles, installations and infantry units before cheerily frying Hitler to a crisp. Many years later, OMAC regrets his actions, as the world that ensues after this becomes one of those sterile, fun-less utopias seen in disturbing movies starring Jude Law.

So maybe the old rascal served some purpose? A scary thought.

The Gods have appeared before us, and they have favoured us with five sets of divine brilliance.

Wasn't it the kind of sporting display that makes you glad to be alive and a witness to it?

Bud Collins has called it the greatest tennis match ever played. He should know.

I watched it from my living room, thousands of miles away from where it was happening, and yet I was a part of it. As was every single person who was privileged enough to witness two great champions produce a once-in-a-lifetime reminder of what pure sport is supposed to be.

This was a day I felt sorrow for those among us who don't watch sports – those misguided mortals who would rather watch a movie or step out for a nice dinner. Sunday's final was perhaps the finest example of the kind of rivetting experience that only sport can deliver.

Blasted thing went on till almost 2 am (in India), and the afterglow lasted for almost another hour. Brilliant. Nadal vs. Federer was inarguably a shining instance of teh_pWnage.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Arsenal conveying teh_pwnage after defeat!

This has got to be one of the funniest crap-i-mations that I've ever seen. Brilliantly done. My favourite is Wenger, but the others aren't too bad, either.

I haven't the foggiest who created this, or from whence it sprung, but if anyone does, let me know and I'll link to the source. Bound to be some more such teh_br1ll14nc3 there.

Monday, April 14, 2008

It's somehow just not the same if he's V.Kennedy

P.James is actually V.Kennedy. Here's proof.

If I have to explain that to you, then you probably won't be interested in this post anyway.

But for the enlightened, how are we going to deal with this? Does 'V.Kennedy Magic Show' have the same ring? Didn't think so.

Some of us lucky ones have seen the actual P.James, who was an ancient human being even 20 years ago. Videep Vijay Kumar remembers having James perform absurdly impossible feats at his (Videep's, not James') second birthday party. Aditya Khanna has seen him live at Spencer Plaza, revelling in the magnificence of the venue in a manner that would have made Yanni proud.

To the rest of us, he's a mystery man who will always be associated with his iconic piece of graffiti that greets Chennaiites from Redhills to Injambakkam.

But he was always P.James.

And now, he's V.Kennedy. At least, his grandson is. And Kennedy continues to call himself P.James, at least when he's performing. Like Phantom, it passes on from generation to generation! What fun! The 'P.James Magic Show' graffiti is like the world famous 'Skull' mark of the Phantom. The Ghost who Walks! The Magician who Writes on Walls!

And before we end this delightful train of thought, let's take a moment to dwell upon the mysterious man who links the two P.Jameses, by virtue of having been born to one and fathered the other. By studying the naming patterns in the family, one can safely conclude that he must be called J.Vincent. Yes, that will do nicely.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

The Shah Rukh Khan Rap

Shah Rukh Khan. He's everywhere!

Ever since I came to Mumbai to work on a number of projects involving his company, there's been no escape. Open the morning paper, and he's staring at you. Flip the TV on - you can't surf channels for more than five minutes without looking at his mug. Take a walk, and he's observing you from various billboards at every turn, almost as if to say "Taking a walk, eh? Just thought you'd goof off from working on my stuff for a bit, eh?", with his trademark wit and sarcasm.

And hence the following ode. You are welcome to set it to a rap tune. Or hard rock. Or villu-p- paatu if you prefer.

He stares at you from the TV screen

From every damn ad that you've ever seen

Selling you phones and cars and stuff

I'm sick of his face – enough's enough!

He's on all the billboards and posters and signs

Spouting those moronic, unfunny lines

How can I escape? Lock myself in the loo?

I won't be surprised to find him in there, too!

How do I escape from Shah Rukh Khan?

Any more of him and I can't go on.

I'll gladly suffer Jeetendra or Pran,

Just get me away from Shah Rukh Khan.

His hamming and preening just drive me insane

again and again and again and again.

The same old cliched, shoddy expressions,

Turning whole movies into torture sessions.

You'll see him on some TV channel quiz.

Flip through the channels and guess what ? Gee, Whiz!

He's singing and dancing and smiling at you

On every frickin channel up to 122.

How do I escape from Shah Rukh Khan?

Any more of him and I can't go on.

Give me anyone else – yes, even Salman!

But please do something about Shah Rukh Khan.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Synergistic Metabolism! Mr.Vada is teh_Pwnage.

Presenting Mr.Vada. The most impressive vada-based sales effort of all time. You can check out teh_re4l thing at the delicious Mr.Vada Web Site. And don't miss the pictures of strange looking sandwiches and vada-pavs that look like they may suddenly wake up and go about their business of conquering the earth, or whatever.

"This information is for educational purposes only"! Good thing they warned us. We were about to use it to build a bomb! And make millions in the capital markets!

P.S. - Sorry - comments were disabled for some strange reason. Fixed now. My bad. Comment away.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

The Sagar Sanjog Chronicles : Ep.1 - Raju and the Rat. (And no, I didn't forget about the cockroach)

Pramod is a good guy. A half-decent cook. Generally efficient housekeeper. Importantly, his demeanour is mostly pleasant and cheery.

The problem with Pramod is that he's on vacation. Gone to Gaon.

And hence, Raju. The cooker of cabbages. The shirker of sweeping and swabbing. The ignorer of things-that-he's-flaming-paid-to-do.

And when you're five guys living in a nice flat, and you have a choice between :

i) Pramod
ii) Raju

you'd have to go with i) every single time. ii) is not quite a viable option, unless you enjoy eating cabbage. No, I mean, you really enjoy eating cabbage. No, I mean, you wish to eat nothing other than cabbage every single day of your life.

But I digress. This was supposed to be about the rat.

It's a bold one, this rat. Earlier this afternoon, he sauntered into the kitchen, just as Shashi and I were having lunch. Having reached the centre of the kitchen, approximately equidistant from the fridge and the dustbin, he paused, and looked straight at me. I'm not kidding. Straight in the eye. For a full five seconds. Only when I showed aggressive intent by rising from my chair did the damn animal retreat. Not in any great hurry, mind you. He just sort of de-sauntered back under the sink, from where he had emerged a few moments earlier. I can imagine him rolling his eyes disdainfully , saying "Oh all right. Have it your way, then. I'll just come out when you're off to wherever you go to do your miserable job, and then who'll stop me, eh?" The evil bastard. I'm going to call him Jagmohan. And I'm going to work out of home. Now who's so clever. eh?

But I digress. This was supposed to be about Raju. And no, I haven't forgotten the cockroach.

After a few more appearances from Jagmohan, we decided that enough was enough. Can't have evil rats having the run of the place. Bad for the appetite, and all that.

We marched to the kitchen to take affirmative action, only to find Jagmohan strolling about the kitchen floor as if he was cooking dinner, and Raju lounging about the same location as if he wasn't. To make things worse, Raju was carefully stepping over the rat (so as not to disturb the vermin) and going about his duties without so much as a what-ho? As if the filthy rodent was some sort of favoured pet dog. A chihuahua perhaps, or a pekingese, but that's not important.

Hasty orders were screamed, and who do we send out to acquire a rat trap at a local merchant's? Raju. We must be shining geniuses. And we deserved what we eventually got - the empty-handed return of Raju, with the fantastic excuse that there were no rat traps available in the good neighbourhood of Versova. All fucking thirty square miles of it. Of course, his investigations revealed that rat traps were available in Andheri. Of course, he didn't bother to actually GO there or anything. What for? To him, the rat was no different from a fucking pekingese.

So night falls. Raju leaves. The rat stays.

Rahul throws out the mayonnaise.

I can't help thinking - maybe we would have got better results if we asked the rat to get rid of Raju. And while he was at it, to cook a decent dinner. I'm sure even Jagmohan could whip up something more interesting than cabbage.

Oh - and I didn't forget the cockroach. That story is coming up.

teh_f1r5t p05t

So, why this blog?

In a word - pWnage.

In a sentence - to promote the causes of frank and forthright opinion, hard-hitting views on the household help, fiction that is stranger than fiction, and the introduction of 733t5p34k to audiences that have hitherto shunned it.

In a nutshell - this is a space where I can write as I want to. Without fear or favour. Without form or function. Without grammar or composition. Without sense or sensibility.

I'm going to enjoy it. I hope you do, too.

And if you don't know what 733t5p34k is, here's help.

If you don't know what pWnage is, google it.

Thanks for reading. Please continue to participate.