Monday, January 25, 2010

Going one-up. An Aamir Khan - Shah Rukh Khan rivalry story.

 A short story by Anand Ramachandran



“Fuck! I hate my job.”, said Sankalesh Jimmy in exasperation. He would have slammed the phone down in disgust, had it not been a mobile phone. He suddenly hated mobile phones for not being slammable. He then proceeded to hate his coffee, his cubicle, his nose, and even his beloved collection of old 'Dipy's Cowboy' memorabilia – all of which were blameless for his current state of agitation.


But most of all, he hated Aamir Khan, who wasn't.


“What's the matter? You seem upset.”, said James Dare, keenly observant as always. James was one of those guys who, if you had chanced upon his visiting card without having met him, you would have imagined looked like a dynamic, rock-jawed, spacefaring captain who saved the universe on Thursdays. In reality, he looked more like 'Mirchi' Siva in a foul mood, perhaps after losing a closely fought table-tennis game from a winning position.


“Now he wants craters on the fucking SUN! Screw this.”, said Sankalesh


“What?”


“It's bloody Aamir. Ever since that stupid moon-crater was named after Shah Rukh, he's been desperate for attention. Now he's asking us if we can get a sun-crater named after him. Sun-crater. Can you fucking believe that?”. Sankalesh slumped into his chair and buried his face in his hands.


“You'd think it was a blast being Aamir's PR manager.” he said wryly.


“So you're saying there aren't any craters on the sun?” asked James


“Of course not. You're telling me you didn't know that?” asked Sankalesh incredulously.


“I didn't even know that there were craters on the moon. And that you could name people after them. So there aren't any on the sun? Why not? You can't name people after them?” asked James cheerily.


“Yes there are. Yes you can. No there aren't. Maybe because the sun doesn't have a fucking SURFACE! No you can't, because there's nothing to name.”, said Sankalesh, answering the questions in the correct order, through gritted teeth.


“Oh.” said James absently, peering into Sankalesh's monitor and reading his messages. At any other time, Sankalesh would have been annoyed at this, but now he merely ignored it. He looked up at the ceiling.


“It's always the same. Shah Rukh gets a six-pack, and Aamir invents the eight-pack. Shah Rukh picks up some awards, Aamir stops accepting awards altogether. Shah Rukh plays a psychopath, Aamir plays a violent psychopath with memory-loss, a bad attitude and his contacts list tattooed on his fucking body. Shah Rukh makes a bad movie a hit, Aamir makes the worst movie of all time the biggest hit of all time. It's unbearable.”


“Yeah. Aamir rules. He's the best at everything he does.”, said James, taking a break from reading Sankalesh's monthly accounts statement in order to perform the valuable service of missing the point entirely.


They sat in silence for a few minutes.


“I know what I'm going to do”, said Sankalesh suddenly.


He picked up his phone and dialled.


“Hello? Aamir? Hi, it's Sankalesh. More news on Shah Rukh. Apparently this morning, he woke up and actually contemplated suicide. It's going to be in the TOI tomorrow – front page. Seriously. SRK contemplates suicide. Half-page with colour pictures. What do you suggest we do?”


He waited a few seconds, and then heard the gunshot.


He felt evil.







Note : This post is part of an experiment to treat the same subject of satire in three different ways. There's a cartoon here and a satirical fake news report here.


29 comments:

Ramaa said...

Lol lol! :-) Experiment just succeeded big time! :-)

Sudhakar said...

lol...n1n1.. :)

Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twin said...

Thanks for reading.

Anonymous said...

This is seriously hilarious. Great take on Khan vs Khan war.

narendra shenoy said...

This totally rocks! Also, has dramatic potential!

| Balu | said...

Well, it's a successful experiment =D

Harsha said...

hey amazing ending .. new to your blog and i am absolutely loving it

Gradwolf said...

lol brilliant but I can't help notice the stress on "satirical fake news report" ;)

Abhishek Paul said...

How on the sun do you keep rolling out hit after hit, oops I mean blog after blog that is sunnier, sorry I mean funnier than the last one - By the way - didn't Aamir already go a hundred up on SRK when he made Taarein Zameen Par :)

Neeraj said...

Hahahaha. This is brilliant! Wish it were true!

Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twin said...

@gradwolf - such is life ;)

Everyone else - thanks for the great encouragement. Will try to keep this blog alive as well :)

Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twin said...

@gradwolf - such is life ;)

Everyone else - thanks for the great encouragement. Will try to keep this blog alive as well :)

Coconut Chutney said...

I want to make this a movie. :D

K Balakumar said...

Good ones. All the three.

Nagaravind said...

lol. Reminds me of Spy vs. Spy.

Scattered Thoughts... said...

LOL.. among all 3, this one is the best.. so my vote goes to the short story :)

Anonymous said...

Sankalesh Jimmy should get a Padma Bhushan for abetting a perfect suicide.

-MJ

Anonymous said...

superb loved it seriously

Anonymous said...

Seriously Funny :)

Bindhu Malini said...

amazing amazing!!!

Aditya said...

Brilliant
Best of the 3!!

Keep doing the same with other stories as well!

Anonymous said...

I was laughing out loud in office man. Note to self: Do not visit this blog in office.

saurabhr8here said...

Awesome stuff man! We need more stories!!!!!!!

Priyanka Khot said...

Too good. ROFL!

Arun said...

Thallaiva! Killer! Whattey climax.
I want more stories from you!

Rahul Desai said...

ROFL! What a read!!

Vanchi said...

Scenu Machi.... Scenu.... Keep up the gr8 work.... Following "Googly" n other stuff on cricinfo too.... Awesome job...

RR said...

holy cow !! what a story ... Anand ... you rock :)

vishal12 said...

Freaking hilarious!

>> Shah Rukh makes a bad movie a hit, Aamir makes the worst movie of all time the biggest hit of all time.

This had me ROTFL!

- Vishal