Diary of an IPL Fan - Episode 4

This is part of an ongoing series I'm doing for sify.com . Re-posted here for those who missed it when it originally appeared.

Day Twenty-five

For a few days, I am not going to write anything in this diary. Maybe that will change the luck for my favourite teams, especially Preity.

Oops.

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Day Thirty-two

Some people are saying that KKR and Rajasthan Royals still have a mathematical chance of qualifying. I didn't know they had that kind of thing in IPL. I thought you have to play matches and win. Not a bad idea. Having a maths entrance exam will help people who are weak at cricket, such as KKR, to still do well in IPL. Maybe the IIT-JEE should introduce a cricket match section also, so that those who have done badly in the IPL still have a 'cricketing' chance of getting in.

Day Thirty-five
Why is Lalit Modi Sir saying all those bad things about Mr.Tharoor-ji ?????? Maybe he is upset that Mr.Tharoor-ji has ensured that Sreesanth will still be around in IPL 4.

And why is everyone upset with Lalit Modi Sir about saying stupid things on Twitter? Shahid Kapoor does it all the time, and I don't see anyone calling for an investigation into Shahid's activities. People are biased against Lalit Modi Sir.


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Day Thirty-seven

No! No! No! All my favourite teams are now out of the tournament. How could Shah Rukh, Preity and Shilpa have allowed this to happen?

I'm sorry, but even though I am a fan, I have to blame the Bollywood stars for their teams doing so badly. They spend all their time either shooting commercials and films or attending parties, and don't spend any time concentrating on cricket. If Shah Rukh had spent half the time on actual cricket related issues than he did shooting those stupid car ads, KKR would have qualified for the semi-finals for sure.

I agree that people have the same complaints about the players also - that they spend more time shooting and partying than concentrating on cricket. But they have an excuse - they have to keep up their commitments to their team owners and sponsors. Bollywood stars have no such excuses, na? It's just irresponsibility, that's all. When they are shooting films, do they take breaks to play cricket? So they really shouldn't be taking breaks to shoot films when they own IPL teams. Do you see N.Srinivasan or Venkatram Reddy appearing in ads? No. And look at how their teams are doing.

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Day Thirty-eight

I am very upset that Mr.Tharoor-ji and Lalit Modi Sir are being dragged into all these needless controversies. Both are great men, and the public and media should not make up these false stories about them.

There is one South Indian writer (can't remember his name) on that leading cricket website who always writes false news about Lalit Modi Sir and everyone else. I think it must be all his doing - he must have written one of his usual made-up false lying news reports, and caused all this controversy. I am going to inform the CBI through SMS. They will nab him and prevent him from spreading lies about the IPL. Serves him right.

Also, this is all Twitter's fault. I think the government should ban twitter. I won't miss it. I can always keep in touch with Shahid and Kareena through Google Buzz. And Google Wave. But nobody has sent me a Wave invite yet.

Diary of an IPL Fan - Episode 3

Note : This is part of a series that I'm currently doing for Sify.com . Republished here for those of you who missed it when it first appeared.


Day Nineteen

I don't know why everybody criticises the commentators so much. They are all either former cricketers, or hardworking upcoming actors, and we must repect them for their achievements. Except for Arun Lal. I can't remember exactly what he does, but I remember that his father was also a sports commentator. One funny thing about his father - sometimes he used to be called Anupam Ghulati, and sometimes he was called Kishore Bhimani! Hahaha I always wondered why the same commentator would use different names, but then realized that it was probably so that fans don't get confused - so he used one name for cricket and another for other sports. That and probably some tax reasons, I guess.

But anyway, why always poke fun at commentators and everything they say? I agree that they say very basic and stupid things sometimes, but we must remember that their comments are very useful and educational for people who don't know anything about cricket - such as Shilpa Shetty. And John Buchanan.

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Day Twenty

They have selected the Indian team for the T20 world cup - and I must admit that I am disappointed. Why have they only selected Indian players? I can understand if it was for fifty overs format, but in T20 you are allowed four foreigners in the team, no? Why doesn't Lalit Modi Sir explain this to K.Srikkanth ? At least he could have explained it to Narendra Hirwani before throwing him out of that exclusive IPL lounge no?


This is not fair. Now all the other teams will be packed with foreigners, and our Indian team will have none. Surely we are going to lose. And this Srikkanth is always selecting players from his own state - like Dhoni and Raina. Clearly he is biased.

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Day Twenty Two

This middle part of the IPL is really very boring. All the matches are beginning to look like each other - no excitement. This is why I am so happy that Mr.Vivek Oberoi has decided to release his new film, Prince, at this time. It shows how much Mr.Vivek cares about the people of India - so he is releasing his film despite the fact that the IPL is going on. Other selfish and greedy producers are holding back their releases until after the IPL is over. This clearly shows that they are only interested in money. Mr.Vivek Oberoi is different - he is not bothered if his film flops (which it surely will, since everyone is watching IPL) as long as the fans are happy. What a man!

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Day Twenty Three

My friend laughed at me today for saying that the Vodafone Zoozoo ads have superb animation. He says that these ads are not animated. Hahahahahahahaha. He is a donkey. He probably thinks that Shaktimaan is a fictional character. He doesn't know that I once met Shaktimaan many years ago, when I was in school. Many people have told me that that was just an actor wearing a Shaktimaan costume, but they are wrong. Why would anyone wear such a stupid costume if they weren't actually Shaktimaan?

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Day Twenty Four

Damn. I called that stupid telephone line so that I could speak to a cheerleader, and they connected me to R.P.Singh! What a waste! Why would I want to speak to R.P.Singh? So anyway, I asked him if he could introduce me to any cheerleaders. He immediately hung up. I think he doesn't know any. I think tomorrow's 'Star Connect' is with Shane Warne. Surely he will be able to introduce me to some girls. I will try again tomorrow.

Diary of an IPL Fan - Episode 2

Note : This is part of a series that I'm currently doing for Sify.com . Republished here for those of you who missed it when it first appeared.




Day fourteen

What is Preity's team doing? Selfish, greedy buggers. Don't they want to win to make her happy? Such a sweet girl - she is so nice to them. She even pays them salaries and cheers for them during the matches. No other team owner will do this. And how do they repay her kindness? By losing again and again.

I think Yuvraj is annoyed at losing the captaincy to Kumar Sangakkara, so he is trying to win it back by turning into Arjuna Ranatunga, so that the Sri Lankans will listen to him. Idiot - always worrying about runs, wickets and captaincy. He should realize that Preity's happiness is all that matters.

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Day fifteen

Damn. My fantasy league team is doing really badly. I can understand Lalit Modi sir's decision to keep Pakistan players out of the IPL, but at least he could have given permission for them to play in fantasy cricket, no? If I had Shahid Afridi, Umar Akmal and Umar Gul in my fantasy team, surely I would have done well. They are quality players in any format. Why keep them out of fantasy leagues and insult them? I hope that Mohammed Yousuf doesn't retire from fantasy cricket in a huff. The game needs him.

Oh - and speaking of Pakistani cricketers, what's all this about Shoaib Malik marrying Sania Mirza? She should realize we're a conservative country. She shouldn't have married into another sport. But I hope she's happy, and serves her husband better than she serves, period.

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Day Sixteen

I am so proud. We finally have a real blimp in India.

I have no idea what it is, but since L.Sivaramakrishnan said that it's some great modern technological marvel, it must be so. Why would he lie? In fact, these Tamils know a lot about technology. They have lots of time to study all these technological things, since they don't have Bollywood to distract them, I guess.


Lalit Modi sir is truly a genius for getting such technologies into cricket. Superbowl is the biggest sporting event other than the IPL - and they also have a blimp made by a tyre company. The IPL is a trendsetter for sure. Soon the Superbowl organisers will also copy the IPL and get cheerleaders, more advertisements and even strategy breaks. Then their tournament will also become as famous as IPL.

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Day Seventeen

Harbhajan is a great player, but he should learn to calm down. Why did he shout at T.Suman that day? He only shouts at players who are smaller than him. They should send Sunjay Dutt sir into the ground to deal with players who are indisciplined. Just seeing that costume will be enough to silence anybody. 

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Day eighteen

The Hon. Sports Minister has unnecessarily criticized Modi Sir, because he is using cricket for entertainment it seems. Isn't cricket supposed to be for entertainment? Why else are we watching cricket? For education or what? I think they should remove boring old Mr.Gill and make Lalit Modi Sir the sports minister. He will be able to make anything interesting. Even Tennikoit.

Also, KKR isn't doing as well as I thought. But they obviously haven't taken my advice. I told them to buy Sachin - but I see that Sachin is still with Mumbai Indians. And see how well they're doing? I am beginning to doubt my hero Shah Rukh. I don't think they are really following the advice of fans like me - I think it is just some advertising trick.But I know how to reach Shah Rukh - the one place where famous people like him can be reached directly. So see you guys later - need to go and set up a twitter account.

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Diary of an IPL Fan - Episode 1

Note : This is part of a series that I'm currently doing for Sify.com . Republished here for those of you who missed it when it first appeared.


Day Zero
I am so excited that the IPL has begun. A true battle between some of our best and sexiest film stars! May the best person win - Shah Rukh, Preity, Shilpa, Katrina, all the best. Except to that boring Chennai team. K.Srikkanth it seems - who wants HIM as a brand ambassador? And that weirdo who drums on a river.

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Day Four

Good that Shah Rukh has finally come to his senses and is accepting advice from those who truly understand and love his team - random people from all over India. Better than trusting Australians like Buchanan. In previous years also I had suggested many strategies by leaving over 200 comments on his team's web site, but I'm sure those idiots who maintained the web site never forwarded them to him. Morons - do they think he can personally visit the site and read all the comments? Lazy.

This time I have sent all my advice in a large book, couriered to his office. I'm sure that newspaper guy, that TV serial aunty and that chicken-catching dude must have done the same. If their advice can help KKR win their first two matches, surely mine will help them even more? Watch out - KKR will surely win this year.


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Day Seven

Damn. My 'fake IPL player' blog is not taking off. What's the matter with people - what I write is so much funnier than that guy from last year. Maybe I shouldn't have pretended to be 'fake Anirudh Singh'. I've even copied some of the Fake IPL Player's original posts. Why can't people who watch the same movie multiple times enjoy reading the same blog post multiple times? Snobs. Losers.


Anyway, there's still hope. One gentleman has left a comment on the blog, promoting something called 'Male Organ Enhancement'. Why would he choose my blog to promote something, unless he knew lots of people are visiting it ?

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Day Ten

I'm so happy that Preity's team finally won! Her smile is SO much nicer than N.Srinivasan's.

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Day Twelve


Lalit Modi sir is a genius and a true visionary. He has managed to get two more teams into the IPL - from Pune and some place in Kerala. He will make everybody rich I think - except for those people who buy these teams for huge amounts of money, even more than English football teams. But this is not a problem for them - they are rich people anyway.

Lots of people are making jokes that Dubai is a part of Kerala, but these jokes are silly and repetitive, and they don't fool me. I know that it is a part of Arab. Kerala is a part of Sri Lanka.

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Day Thirteen

Am so excited that I'm going to watch an IPL match next week. I haven't bought tickets, but I have entered many contests, and will surely win at least one free ticket. This is the law of averages. Even Kings XI Punjab managed to win a match, no? The law never fails.

See you guys in a little while.

Katrina Kaif's keen mind analyzes the budget.

Here's Katrina Kaif on the budget, from today's TOI.

"The overall Budget is positive for the education, entertainment and energy sectors. Finally, the FM has admitted that India is a nation of moviegoers. Clarification on custom duty for imported cinematographic films will benefit some. It would have been nice if cinema tickets were subsidized.

Entertainment tax in certain states is high. The government must give this a thought. What makes me happy is that the education incentives, especially in primary schools in rural India, will continue. "

Hoo, boy. Where do I even begin? This statement expects us to believe that :

1. Katrina Kaif has a reasonable understanding of how the economics of the energy and education sectors work.
2. Katrina Kaif understands the taxation structure for imported cinematographic films.
3. Katrina Kaif actually said this.

Of course, it's very possible that Ms.Kaif is, indeed, an intelligent and thoughtful young woman who reflects on many aspects of civil society, global economics and existential philosophies whenever she gets some time off from pretending to be a dumb bimbette and making lots of cash.


But consider this TV interview I once saw. The words are not accurate, but the exchange is reproduced precisely as it occurred.

Dumb Interviewer Chick : Do you have any problems with being perceived as just a pretty face ? With how people only pay attention to your looks and not your brains ?


Katrina Kaif : Not at all. I have no problem if people keep harping on my beauty and, you know, don't talk about my . . . you know . . . er . . . um . . . ah . . . er . . . whatever it's called."


Dumb Interviewer Chick " Whatever it's called."


Both nod vigorously.

Katrina Kaif didn't even show enough intelligence to remember the word 'intelligence'. Perhaps it was because she was simultaneously calculating the fiscal deficit.

Shahid Kapur's keen mind analyzes the budget.

Here's Shahid Kapur on yesterday's budget, in today's TOI :

"As the finance minister pointed out, we've had a fairly trouble-free 2009. But, we live in the times of terror and increase in defence capital expenditure was mandatory. I feel that besides giving our border and police forces better amenities like guns and bulletproof vests, we must give them better living conditions. These guys are real heroes and their homes and pay packets need to be bettered. It's the least we can do for them. "

Notice two key features of his message :

1. The use of the term 'defence capital expenditure'.
2. Complete sentences with real words.

Now contrast this with the contents of Shahid's twitter stream, for the period leading up to the budget, and the day the budget was presented. Reproduced here for your reading pleasure. Please click the image for a magnified view. It's worth it.

Note the salient features. Only four tweets even remotely resemble proper sentences :

1. "ishaan to my left"
2. "hey man" 
3. "of course i will"
4. "hey"

Other than pointing out the precise location of Ishaan, and providing a thrilling demonstration of the overuse of punctuation marks, Shahid gives us no evidence on twitter that he is capable of such a lucid response to the budget. "Defence capital expenditure" indeed.

I suspect that Shahid is an extremely articulate, perceptive and intelligent young man who deliberately recruits half-wit morons to ghost-tweet on his behalf. But I could be wrong.

Alternate ways to deal with the 'Manglik' curse.

One of my friends has just been told the bad news in no uncertain terms. His brutally honest, grim-faced astrologer has informed him that he is 'Manglik'. And hence he would have to marry an earthen pot.

I have nothing against earthen pots – they're cute, unargumentative, and eco-friendly – but I would draw the line at marrying one. No insurance benefits, and the sex would be below par. Not to mention the horrifying prospect of the house being filled with the pitter-patter--plunkety-plonk-oops-crash of little anthropomorphic pots resembling something from those badly animated advertisements seen on Doordarshan during the eighties.

But I digress. The reason for this downright bizarre practice is, of course, to prevent your bride(or groom)-to-be from meeting with a grisly end a few months into the marriage. By marrying the pot, your 'curse' is transferred to the innocent container, which then frees your beloved to live long, prosper, and nag you about your clothes. The pot is then destroyed, ending the curse. Neat.

On closer examination of the practice, I find that our friends in the astrological community have been rather unimaginative in their process design. The things you can marry to redeem yourself from the dreaded 'Manglik' curse seem mostly limited to earthen pots, banana trees and clay idols. Boring.

My question is – why not expand the scope a little and include a number of things that are better suited to bearing the curse of imminent death? Just a quick glance around will provide numerous examples of things that are probably going to die quickly anway, so what's the harm in going a little 'Manglik' on their sorry asses? A sampling :

• An XBOX 360 console
  Everybody knows that Microsoft's crappy hardware quality will ensure a 'Red Ring of Death' just a few months after purchase. Perfect for absorbing any Manglik negative energy.
  
  
• Sania Mirza's chances at the next grand slam
  If lack of survival is what you're looking for, then Ms.Mirza is unlikely to let you down.
  
  
• A Mayfly
  The poor creatures only live for a few hours anyway. And their main purpose is reproduction, so you can even squeeze in a quick one before saying goodbye. Caution – might die even before you complete the ceremony, so make it quick and snappy. Register marriages recommended as opposed to those interminably long circuses we sometimes call weddings.
  
  
• The acting careers of Tushar Kapoor, Dino Morea or Suniel Shetty
  While we admit that their careers are dying a tad slower than is ideally suited for this purpose, there's nothing wrong in helping their demise along with a little Manglik magic. 
   
  
• An answer to any question posed on TV by Arnab Goswami
  A very safe bet – since Arnab takes great care to kill all responses quickly and efficiently, by cutting them off after “Well, you see, Arnab, it's a ma . . .”
  
  
• A social revolution started on Twitter or Facebook
  Nothing is more short-lived than attempts by thousands of people on Twitter and Facebook to rid the world of its evils by starting hashtags and saying interesting things about their underwear. Most of these live for about 24 hours, or until someone links to a funny video where Hitler gets upset.
  
  

Of course. I realize that many of these things are fairly hard to actually 'marry' – but Astrologers are studs at coming up with ideas to solve such problems. If they can cure chronic gall bladder problems by tying coloured ropes around stone idols hundreds of miles away from the gall bladder in question, this can't be too hard. They'll figure it out.

Going one-up. An Aamir Khan - Shah Rukh Khan rivalry story.

 A short story by Anand Ramachandran



“Fuck! I hate my job.”, said Sankalesh Jimmy in exasperation. He would have slammed the phone down in disgust, had it not been a mobile phone. He suddenly hated mobile phones for not being slammable. He then proceeded to hate his coffee, his cubicle, his nose, and even his beloved collection of old 'Dipy's Cowboy' memorabilia – all of which were blameless for his current state of agitation.

But most of all, he hated Aamir Khan, who wasn't.

“What's the matter? You seem upset.”, said James Dare, keenly observant as always. James was one of those guys who, if you had chanced upon his visiting card without having met him, you would have imagined looked like a dynamic, rock-jawed, spacefaring captain who saved the universe on Thursdays. In reality, he looked more like 'Mirchi' Siva in a foul mood, perhaps after losing a closely fought table-tennis game from a winning position.

“Now he wants craters on the fucking SUN! Screw this.”, said Sankalesh

“What?”

“It's bloody Aamir. Ever since that stupid moon-crater was named after Shah Rukh, he's been desperate for attention. Now he's asking us if we can get a sun-crater named after him. Sun-crater. Can you fucking believe that?”. Sankalesh slumped into his chair and buried his face in his hands.

“You'd think it was a blast being Aamir's PR manager.” he said wryly.

“So you're saying there aren't any craters on the sun?” asked James

“Of course not. You're telling me you didn't know that?” asked Sankalesh incredulously.

“I didn't even know that there were craters on the moon. And that you could name people after them. So there aren't any on the sun? Why not? You can't name people after them?” asked James cheerily.

“Yes there are. Yes you can. No there aren't. Maybe because the sun doesn't have a fucking SURFACE! No you can't, because there's nothing to name.”, said Sankalesh, answering the questions in the correct order, through gritted teeth.

“Oh.” said James absently, peering into Sankalesh's monitor and reading his messages. At any other time, Sankalesh would have been annoyed at this, but now he merely ignored it. He looked up at the ceiling.

“It's always the same. Shah Rukh gets a six-pack, and Aamir invents the eight-pack. Shah Rukh picks up some awards, Aamir stops accepting awards altogether. Shah Rukh plays a psychopath, Aamir plays a violent psychopath with memory-loss, a bad attitude and his contacts list tattooed on his fucking body. Shah Rukh makes a bad movie a hit, Aamir makes the worst movie of all time the biggest hit of all time. It's unbearable.”

“Yeah. Aamir rules. He's the best at everything he does.”, said James, taking a break from reading Sankalesh's monthly accounts statement in order to perform the valuable service of missing the point entirely.

They sat in silence for a few minutes.

“I know what I'm going to do”, said Sankalesh suddenly.

He picked up his phone and dialled.

“Hello? Aamir? Hi, it's Sankalesh. More news on Shah Rukh. Apparently this morning, he woke up and actually contemplated suicide. It's going to be in the TOI tomorrow – front page. Seriously. SRK contemplates suicide. Half-page with colour pictures. What do you suggest we do?”

He waited a few seconds, and then heard the gunshot.

He felt evil.







Note : This post is part of an experiment to treat the same subject of satire in three different ways. There's a cartoon here and a satirical fake news report here.